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| Hey, what's going on Xanga? Hope everyone reading this has been doing good. As of late, things have been pretty decent. Here's what has been going down:
- It looks like I will be going to Macon State, starting the summer. I plan on going there for like a year, then transferring. My two top choices to transfer to right now are Tennessee State and Clark-Atlanta. Both schools have great Mass Communication programs, and I would love to be in both environments for school. TSU is well-known for their "Big Blue" spirit....and from going to CAU's homecoming when they played us....even though their athletics suck...I like their school spirit as well.
- It also looks like that, sooner than later, I will be working at Wal-Mart. I applied this past Monday, and they called me Tuesday to come in for an interview and to take a drug test. It seems as if they are in desperate need of help; they are on a SERIOUS hiring spree. I was called in today for, what I thought was the final step to getting hired, but it was for another interview for another position. The person who interviewed me assumed that I hadn't already been interviewed. Talk about a waste of time. Anyways, hopefully I get the job, because Lord knows I want to be making my own money.
- Also today, for the first time in like, a while, I went out on a.....I guess you could call it a date, with this girl I go to school with. I went up to Austell to go take her out. I had to meet her dad before we left.....he seems like a cool dude....seems like a great guy I could watch football with....lol. Anyways....I took her bowling....and I spanked that ass in two straight games...lol. The bet was, that the loser of two out of three games had to pay for the winner's dinner at Red Lobster. Unfortunately, because I was called for an interview, we couldn't go out to eat. But she understands that she owes me. lol. As far as how I feel about her.....I really like her. She's smart, cute, has a nice sense of humor, and has morals...basically everything my mom wants me to take home. I could really see myself being with her for a long period of time.......I wonder if she feels the same way about me...
- Well, I'd love to stay and talk some more, but I'm out for the night......holla @ ya boi... | | |
| Was going on Xanga world? Just came by to drop in a few tidbits:
- I'm REAAAAAAAAAAAALLY close to just saying "forget about trying to get a job". People make it seem like it's SOOOOOOOOOOO easy to find work, but I just can't seem to get anyone to hire me. I guess the reason it's so easy for others to find work is because others have connections. I, literally, have NO connections. I guess I am now seeing why networking is so important. Another reason why it's so important not to burn bridges and do all you can not to make any enemies, in which I have several.
- I can't stress enough how BORED I am, having to sit at home, with nothing to do. I mean, it's gravy not having to do any work, read boring stories and stuff like that, but Lord knows I miss the atmosphere of being in school, on campus, and being around people. At home I don't have too much interaction with anyone outside of my family. 
- I'm just anticipating the fall of 2006, when I can go to school again, and I am considering going to school out of GA. I am considering this because, it seems like negative remarks have been made about me in just about every black school in GA, and I really don't need to start off at a new school with a bad reputation. I know, I have no one to blame but myself for my bad reputation, but I would love to forget about this school year as quickly as possible, and I have a feeling that if I stay in school in GA, I won't be allowed the liberty to forget this. Which, in my opinion, is very unfortunate, because once rumors spread, and you hear certain things about certain people, naturally, as human beings, we form our opinions based on what we hear. But those who know me personally, know I am a really nice guy, who has just made some bad choices and mistakes.
I just want another chance at life without having to be judged because of my past. Tell me Xanga world, is that too much to ask?? If so, let'cha boi know the business! | | |
| Was going on? Ya miss me? Prolly not, but, this is my first Xanga in 2006. And boi oh boi do I have some things to put in here.
For one, I'm not in school this semester. Yep, it sucks. ROYALLY. If you remember my previous Xangas, I got in all kinds of trouble because I hit a girl in band with me. Well, her parents found out I was still allowed to attend school, and was all but happy about it. So, her parents gave the school an ultimatium: either they kick me out of school, or they sue. Well, they didn't totally kick me out, but they did suspend me for this semester. I will be allowed to return to school as soon as the summer, but I won't be allowed to be an on-campus student. Normally, this would be gravy, but it's something about the whole picture I don't like. I actually have been wanting to stay off campus, but, I feel as if I should stay on campus because I WANT to, not because I HAVE to in order just to go to school. So, I have decided to transfer after this semester. In the fall, I will either be at Columbus, Savannah, Macon State, or Gordon College.
I've been trying to look for employment since I have been home, and to no avail. I have some meeting scheduled for next week with some employment agencies, so keep me in your prayers and wish me luck.
As far as my personal/relationship life goes, for lack of better words, it sucks. This is one of the main reasons I hate the fact that I am home....I have very little to no interaction with females. All the females that I recently talked to are in school right now. I was recently talking to this girl, but, as I always tend to do, I messed it up. I would like to think that I am changing, but as I change, the old me tends to come out every now and then. I drove her away by calling her a "B". I talked to her earlier today, and at first, we were having cool converstation, and then she's like "are you still calling females out of their name?" I was like, "no, I don't usually do that, I just did that to you b/c you pissed me off that night." As we continued to talk, she said that I had NO respect for women, and that she was willing to give me a lot more than she previously have (not necessarily physically for you pervs), but I messed that up b/c I had no respect for women. Here is where I got really confused. Before I did what I did, in her eyes I was a GREAT guy, but now since I did what I did, I am just the scum of the earth.
Ladies, this part of my post is for y'all, and I would love for you all to respond to this and tell me your opinions on this. To me, it seems like y'all expect the guy that you are talking to, to be absolutely PERFECT. I mean, he is supposed to get EVERYTHING right. No room for error. I mean, I'm not a perfect gentleman or anything, but I do consider myself, overall, to be a really nice guy. However, my anger does tend to get the best of me sometimes, and sometimes I do tend to say some things that I really shouldn't. I can only speak for myself when I say this, but even though I have my flaws, I am still a pretty nice guy overall, and in my humble opinion, any girl would be lucky to have a guy like me in their life. So here comes my question: When you all meet a dude that you possibly like, what do you expect from him, and how much are you willing to tolerate? It seems like the majority of the females I meet demand perfection, but yet they sware that they don't. It seems like I am only allowed ONE mistake, just ONE, and after that one mistake, I am not allowed to make up for it, nor prove I have learned from it. So I'm just asking you ladies, what is it you expect from a guy, do you indeed expect perfection, and if not, are you willing to work with a guy's imperfections, and give him a second chance, or do you drop him like a bad habit on mistake #1? | | |
| As always, it is a lot bearing on my heart and mind right now. As you know, for the most part, this semester has been straight hell for me. From the beginning all the way to now....it's just been straight hell. So, I am just going to say what I have to say, however it comes out, I really could care less.
To everyone who has or has attemped to make my life a living hell this semester, and everyone who has tried tearing my spirit down, I just have one thing to say to you:
Congratulations.
I say congratulations because you have succeeded in making me more unhappy, more miserable, and sadder than I have ever been in my entire life. I can't think of one, single, solitary happy moment I have had this semester. Yes, I know that a lot of the problems that I had recently, I brought on myself, but still, I feel as if I should be able to learn from my mistakes, and get a fresh start, slate wiped clean and everything. I haven't been given that opportunity AT ALL. It seems as if everyone just wants to hold ALL of my mistakes against, and hang them over my head, and I don't think it's fair at all. Sometimes I think that if I were more popular, more in the "in-crowd" I suppose, and not so much of the outcast that I tend to be, that I would've been given the opportunity to wipe the slate clean and start over. However, just because I'm not the most popular guy, but yet, more outspoken, and more of the type to do my own thing, instead of follow the trends of others, everything I do that is wrong, warrants the maximum punishment. It isn't fair at all, but, as they say, life isn't fair. My whole life, I have been dealt a crappy hand to play with, and up until now, I like to think that I have played my hand pretty well. Now, I'm not too sure. MANY times this semester, I have just damn near been in tears (actually, I'm close to tears as I write this), just wanting to say "fuck it". But I often refer to the story of Job, when he was tested by losing damn near EVERYTHING. He lost his estate, his children, and even his wife wanted him to curse God and die....but he withstood all of that, and kept his faith in God, and God rewarded him for it in the end greatly. That story gives me the hope and inspiration to go on, but dammit it's hard as hell. It's hard keeping my faith in God when SO much is happening in my life. I don't know if I'm strong like Job to just withstand all this bullshit that I am going through right now.
I try to pump my self-esteem up, by telling myself every morning that no matter what I go through, no matter how many people dislike me, that I'm the shit regardless....but, it just doesn't seem to be working. I'm steadily losing self-confidence. When I walk around campus, I often walk with my head down, with either a sad face or a mean-mug. My lack of self-confidence.......I try to cover it up with arrogance, but, I'm tired of lying to myself and others. I don't have a tenth of the self-confidence that I portray myself to have. I'm just afraid that I would look totally pathetic and lame if I were to show how much confidence I REALLY have. I mean, no one wants to be around someone who thinks so little of themselves, right? So, with that being said, it's almost like I have no choice but to lie.
Everyday, I ask myself whether I should leave Albany State and transfer or not. I can think of a million reasons why I should as well as why I shouldn't. My senior year in high school, when I came down here for orientation, I fell in love with this campus and this school. Right then I decided that this is the school that I wanted to go to. I mean, it's a beautiful campus, it's a friendly environment, and it's a progressive university. The fact that I loved the band didn't hurt matters either. But once I got down here, I found myself getting myself into SO many situations, and as each semester progressed and progressed, each situation got worse and worse. My first semester here, I got into it with this dude because of something some girl said, and we fell out, and me and HIS crew fell out as well. It was bad but not as bad as I thought. The second semester, me and this guy got into it, b/c his video game got stolen, and it was my fault b/c I left the door unlocked or something like that. It wasn't that bad because we were able to work things out, and everything is everything now. The next semester, I did a hit-and-run. To this day, people still don't let that one go. And now, this semester. So much has happened I don't even think I have room to put it all in here. I have had damn near all my shit stolen, I hit ol' girl, and I have lost more friends than I can count. I am so lonely down here. I think that's why I'm so looking forward to going home for Thanksgiving....at least for a little while, I won't be lonely. I mean, I've never been the type that had an abundance of friends anyway, but I've NEVER, at any point in my life, been this lonely. I mean, while I'm in Albany...I literally have NO ONE I can talk to about things...or talk to period. I do have a couple friends, but let's be real...I can't talk to them about issues that bother me, because I know, deep down inside, just like everyone else....they laugh at my misfortunes. It hurts so bad to know that the majority of everyone thinks that everything that you're going through is funny. It also hurts having to walk the journey of life by yourself. Sad thing is....this is how I see the rest of my life playing out. I honestly think that I am going to spend the rest of my life alone. Everyone has told me, "Aww Wes, you're only 20 yrs. old.....you have SO much more life to live. Well, for one, tomorrow is not promised to any of us. And second, true enough, I'm not looking for a lifetime partner right now or anything, but I don't think that it was meant for us to be lonely and alone UNTIL you find your life partner, either. I get so tired of spending every night, either on the computer or watching TV, not having anyone to talk to. The pain that I feel on a daily basis is damn near unbearable.
So I go to the people who are reading this: What can I do to turn my life around? I mean, seriously, what can I do, or what do I have to do to turn my life around? I'm seriously ready to re-transform myself, hell, I'm willing to do anything, to get out of this rathole that is the current state of my life. Hopefully, if it's in God's will, I have a lot more living to do, but I honestly don't see myself going through anything worse than what I am going through right now. The pain, the hurt, and the loneliness that I have felt these past few months has been damn near unbearable. To everyone I have wronged, to everyone who I fucked over, I am so very very sorry, and I deeply regret ever doing any of you wrong. I know that isn't going to change a damn thing, but words cannot express how sorry I am. And to those who have wronged me, I forgive you as well. I'm ready to make a change in my life.....but I don't know where to start....I don't know how to change......I don't know what to do....I guess I'm saying what I should've been saying for the longest....but my pride wouldn't let me...
I need help. | | |
| Was up Xanga? It's been exactly a month, huh? Yep, well, not too much has gone on since the last time I have written in here, but I guess I will keep you up to speed on what has happened.
First off, before I really get into it, I would like to thank all of you who had encouraging words to say to me while I was in my "down" period. I have used your kind words, along with people who have had not so kind things to say, as motivation to become a better person. Overall, I'm still not where I want to be, but I do think that as every day passes, I'm becoming a better and better person. I still have my flaws that I want to get over, such as me being arrogant, but I'm trying to become a more humble person.
I never did get back in band. I'd be a liar if I said I didn't miss it, because over the years, especially since my sophomore year in high school, band has really become a part of who I am (not just marching band either, band in general). It really does hurt inside to see the band on the field and in the stands performing, traveling to participate in different battle of the bands across GA, and me, having to watch in the stands. The upside is that I have had more time to concentrate on my studies, instead of having practice from 4-6 and then sectionals from 6:45-whenever. Another downside is having to pay to get in away games, and use MY gas to get there....ugh!! I'd probably have a lot more money right about now if I were still in band...lol.
I'm still trying to decide whether I will come back next year or not. To my surprise, it is a nice number of people who feel I should come back, but I don't know. I feel like a lot of people that, at least I thought I was cool with, just completely turned their backs on me when all of this went down. I expected people to be upset, I even expected to be confronted, but I didn't expect to lose as many friends as I did, and I didn't expect for everyone to just turn their backs on me and act as if I no longer existed. That really hurt my feelings. I want to come back, because Lord knows I miss marching and playing, but not if I'm going to be treated as if I'm a black sheep, because when I crabbed the band last year, one of the first things that was made clear to me was that the band is a family, we look out for each other, we support each other, through thick and thin, and from the majority of the people in there, I didn't get that feeling at all. But for those who did support me and try to help me get through all of this mess to those in and outside of band, again, I say thank you so much.
Anyway, homecoming was this past weekend, and boi, what a week it was. Let's see....Thursday, there was the Grown 'N' Sexy party the Kappas through....wherever the Kappas go, the ladies do follow, so, of course, you know that night was crazy. Following that was the all-night party @ Sanford Gym....that really wasn't hitting on much. Friday was the comedy show, featuring Lavell Crawford....I wasn't expecting that much b/c he never really made me laugh that much on Comicview....but he brought it Friday night. After that, I was going to go to this party @ V-12...but my homeboi Thad called me talkin bout a spot he knew of where there were strippers....so I was like....BET! We went there....it was nice to say the least, lol.
Then Saturday, the big day. I got up early to go to the parade....boi...I thought the parades in Macon were horrible, man our homecoming parade SUCKED!! Sorry ass floats....sorry ass bands (except for Monroe, Westover, and of course ASU), just everything....it was boring. Could've got me some extra sleep for that mess. Best believe if I'm not marching next year I won't be there.
Then, the homecoming game. We won the game....but dammit Benedict gave us a run for our money, and they shouldn't have. The final score was 28-21. It was our own fault though...too many mistakes....missed field goals, FOUR FUMBLES!!! I don't think they really prepared for this game, and it showed. I don't care if your playing MLK Recreational Gym, you can't sleep on any team, especially when you're the two-time defending champs, because everyone is going to play you hard.
After the game, I tailgated a little bit, and then went on to the Step Show. I've seen better, but I've seen worse. The AKA's were ON POINT!!!!! From start to finish, they were tight. No other sorority even came close. The Sigmas won for the frats....they had an Apollo theme....it was cool, but the only other frat that stepped were the Alphas, and they were HELLA unorganized, so, they basically won by default.
After the step show, I rode around deciding where I wanted to go....the Civic Center...feat. 8Ball/MJG....or V-12....feat. Lil Wayne. I eventually decided to go to V-12. Honestly....V-12 was pretty boring at first, because of all the lame acts that went on. But dammit when Lil Wayne showed up...the vibe too a TOTAL 180 degree turn!! You know them girls LOVE that lil nappy headed, mosquito-looking bastard?! lol. I mean, girls just screaming, pushing people out of the way so they could get a good pic of him on their cell phone....lol it was crazy. But it was crunk though. Trina's sexy self was there as well....but she didn't perform They said 8Ball & MJG was going to be there after Lil Wayne, but I didn't stay long enough to find out.
All in all, I'd still say that it was a pretty good weekend for me. Now, it's onto trying to make sure I do well in all of my classes, and staying focused on what's important. As always, I welcome positive as well as negative comments, so, with that being said....
holla @ ya boi. 
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